At the Motherfucking Ass Crack of Dawn

Only ONE of my buddies calls me at the ass crack of dawn. Who? My buddy in California. And the specific time? 5am EST, 2am PST - when he gets kicked outta the club.

I had been getting missed calls from an unknown number at the ASS CRACK OF DAWN. Just two times before last night, both on Friday nights, both 4 or 5am. The first one in late June, and then again in early August... and the most recent, last night.

At first, I didn't know who it was so I returned the call. I thought I heard the voicemail say 'Eric,' but I wasn't sure so I tried another time just to listen to the voicemail, but this time it picked up without a word, and I, I did not effort a word either. I just wanted to listen to the damn voicemail...

I had a inkling it was him. I went back into my old messages to double-check. Yep. And I thought - why does he still have my number??? He has a girlfriend, wtf is he doing? - I had deleted his number, why keep mine being that when we parted he was happily single and soon became happily this young girl's boyfriend.

A text message later reads, 'sorry for the call.'

Accidents don't happen with him. But whatever, don't read into it. Still why does he have my number, still?!?? It's been 2 years. Especially when I thought things for him are so happy. I stopped hating him. I stopped hating myself. I was simply happy for him. And I no longer desire him.

A second missed call... I leave it alone, I guess another 'accident.'

And last night...

I seemed to wake around 5am, maybe because I had had some sleep earlier that day, but maybe because I knew something was up (?)? My phone was ringing. I vaguely saw the number, picked up and said, 'Hello?' I don't remember if he said, 'Hello,' back, most likely not given his etiquette with me he skips the pleasantries. I asked, 'Why are you calling me?' He replies, 'Do you miss it?' I was just like wot? He was gonna let me go back to sleep but I kept talking. I asked him what time it is over there, he said 2am. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was out drinking. I was surprised. I asked him again, why are you calling, don't you have a girlfriend? He said no, that they had broken up awhile ago. I told him that I thought he was happy and that I thought things were going great. He had met the parents afterall.

Earlier today I found they had indeed broken up, but not that long ago, just last month. He made it sound like it was a year ago, but then again when I had inquired him about something that was a couple of weeks ago, he was unreceptive and said, 'That was a long time ago. Why are you asking?' So patronizing. But yea, they broke up, but not because there was something wrong between them, but because it became a LDR and because she needed to find herself - she's young, she's MY AGE.

But to answer his question I said, 'Yes.' But I only said yes because, yes I like sex. Sex with him? I hadn't thought about that in years. I said yes, but I suppose I hadn't said it sure enough so he asking something like oh you do or you don't? And I'm like shit ok I'm not enunciating, I said, 'I said yes, I didn't say sure or maybe.' WTF. When he says 'sure' he means 'no.' And he didn't even ask me in an alluring manly voice, it was this little boy voice - 'Do you miss it?' I'm like really? This? AGAIN? I decided I'd call it a night and said, 'Goodnight, Eric.'

I spent the next hour awake, confused, groggy, trying to think back. We hurt each other. And I hurt him more - I was the one that was wrong, but I took more of a hit since he was what I consider my first love. Me and him were so simple, and I didn't know that simple was enough. The last time I had saw him, he said, 'Talk to you later' as his goodbye. And I said, 'No. Good-bye.' I meant good-bye forever.

As I mused upon this all I also thought he sounds so lonely. But he'll always find someone. He's a good guy with a good heart and would be the sweetest boyfriend. And hell. He's the one that was all tellin' me how nice he thinks the people in Oregon are. Shit.

I also thought, we each felt a lot of hurt. Is it still all my fault? Like am I not repented? Do I still need to pay some kind of due that he feels he can just call me at the motherfucking ass crack of dawn?!?! It hurts a little bit that he is doing this. It also hurts that when I read his writing the fact that I never was anything, I was never his girlfriend, and then, I was reduced down nothing but a sex object to him despite the time we spent in each others' attention and pain, despite my shoulder blade fucking hurting from holding the phone so long.

I must be on his mind. He isn't on mine. I don't imagine having sex with him, neither do I want to because I'm thinking about someone else, and I'm thinking love first not sex - besides, I don't have time for that.

Ahh, I knew it would help to write things out. It was sTiFLiNg.