Friends

I'd been feeling really down about boys and school, particularly boys.

MY FRIENDS,
THEY LEND ME THEIR STRENGTH

SO I MAY BE BETTER :D

I thought about this and thought about the Sailor Moon song - Carry On - when she goes up against the evil Queen whatever-her-name-is-I-forget.

Here I'm standing in the night,
My crescent wand's the only light.
Alone against my darkest fears,
But I sense my friends are here.
I'll draw from each of the power I need,
The evil Queen we will defeat.

Give me the strength to carry on.
With all our love we can't go wrong.
Only together we face the fight.
Nothing can stand against our might.

(music)

Give me the strength to carry on.
With all our love we can't go wrong.
Only together we face the fight.
Nothing can stand against our might.

With all our strength the battle's won.
With all our love we can't go wrong.
We have the strength to carry on.

Current Situation

There's several, perhaps many, things I found well to be an issue. They are past issues, my perhaps baggage as some may say - though it sounds sooo negative - these are a past that I realize in the past I have thought about talked about it briefly and found some sort of resolve in that moment. But I realize, what I did was just suppress it. Why? How? Because I didn't know how to deal and I had more important things to engross myself in and I belittled my own problems as they paled in comparison to the morbidity and mortality of loved ones, of my friends' problems, at the world's problems. But I realize - to each his own. Everyone has their problems. More importantly, everyone has a story, and everyONE has some wisdom to offer/give. What is mine to give? I give my kindness, genuinity and friendliness in hopes for a good time, in hopes to brighten the day.
What I most long for is to belong. To perhaps belong in the embrace of a man, and stand as his backbone, his pillar of strength, behind every good man is a woman. But I want friends, I want a life. I want to be me. I want to discover myself. I want to get in touch with me. SPC, Sandysan, San. I'm super smart, I can memroize tons of things, I'm going to be a great pharmacist emparting empathy and doing everything I can for others. In everythingi all I want to give 110, no 200% of myself because what you get what you put in. How much I put myself into something I can only be rewarded more and more. I"m a philosopher. I"m a linguist. I"m a Buddhist on the rise. I'm a runner at heart always. I've ran so far away from just everything. It's time to run back, kinda like to home, to "home" where I feel safe and comfortable in my skin. I"m productive, too. I like getting tons of stuff done. And I"m a great proponent of to get anything done it takes time and that I'll spend that time to acheive my goal(s).
Yesterday, I was a lil crazy and I tellin my friend, S, that I need to be ambitious and I need to be better, a better student, a person - she was like "WHAT Sandysaannn, you're already a good person I don't know what you're talkin' about." But I haven't shown the world I'm a good person. I must first make amends with myself.

Independence - Under Construction

Independence doesn’t mean you don’t need other people or care about what other people think about you. Independent people seek things which empower them (things that allow them to use their strengths) instead of things that enable them (things that allow them to defer their development).

Under Construction. And on the journey to REGAIN my independence that I've drifted so far from.

EDIT:
I got a fortune cookie (2/8/2010 on my birthday):
Others admire your independence.

I admire my own independence.

I need to read those Chicken Noodle Soup books!

for
Teenage Soul
Runners
Teacher Tales
Devotional Stories for Women
True Love
Teens Talk Relationships
Extraordinary Teens
Teens Talk Tough Times
Teens Talk Relationships
Teens Talk Growing Up
Tough Times Tough People

Dram-atic!

I like dramatic!

Not drama. Drama makes things not simple anymore.

Hah I was thinking this morning...
I was thinking about how the luxurious plush blanket I have is like those Asian blankets. I say like, like similar. Then I thought about what was on those: animals like tigers, phoenixes. And I thought it was funny, I was like I know why Eric wants those tattoos! He wants to be an Asian blanket!!! hahahahahhha I don't think I'll mention it to him for awhile?? Okay I told him. I just want to express what is on my mind.

I'm trying to have more meaningful relationships. Like rather than just doing stuff.