Current Situation

There's several, perhaps many, things I found well to be an issue. They are past issues, my perhaps baggage as some may say - though it sounds sooo negative - these are a past that I realize in the past I have thought about talked about it briefly and found some sort of resolve in that moment. But I realize, what I did was just suppress it. Why? How? Because I didn't know how to deal and I had more important things to engross myself in and I belittled my own problems as they paled in comparison to the morbidity and mortality of loved ones, of my friends' problems, at the world's problems. But I realize - to each his own. Everyone has their problems. More importantly, everyone has a story, and everyONE has some wisdom to offer/give. What is mine to give? I give my kindness, genuinity and friendliness in hopes for a good time, in hopes to brighten the day.
What I most long for is to belong. To perhaps belong in the embrace of a man, and stand as his backbone, his pillar of strength, behind every good man is a woman. But I want friends, I want a life. I want to be me. I want to discover myself. I want to get in touch with me. SPC, Sandysan, San. I'm super smart, I can memroize tons of things, I'm going to be a great pharmacist emparting empathy and doing everything I can for others. In everythingi all I want to give 110, no 200% of myself because what you get what you put in. How much I put myself into something I can only be rewarded more and more. I"m a philosopher. I"m a linguist. I"m a Buddhist on the rise. I'm a runner at heart always. I've ran so far away from just everything. It's time to run back, kinda like to home, to "home" where I feel safe and comfortable in my skin. I"m productive, too. I like getting tons of stuff done. And I"m a great proponent of to get anything done it takes time and that I'll spend that time to acheive my goal(s).
Yesterday, I was a lil crazy and I tellin my friend, S, that I need to be ambitious and I need to be better, a better student, a person - she was like "WHAT Sandysaannn, you're already a good person I don't know what you're talkin' about." But I haven't shown the world I'm a good person. I must first make amends with myself.