Respect

Respect
It's something I haven't been giving others. My mom, my good friend, other friends, general people.
I turned on the tube today I guess just kinda to fill the air. There was a movie on called Phone Booth. From what I gathered, the main character was this agent getting gigs for rap artists, etc. He was conducting his business out of a phone booth, particularly to contact women other than his wife, well actually probably his wife, too. I don't know what happened to his phone. But anyway, he is delivered a pizza at the phone booth that he didn't order. He receives the pizza delivery man as intrusive and is dismissive of him, tells the man he looks like he could use a meal to keep it and throws him 5 bucks. And then he gets a call from a guy that threatens to kill him, calls up his girlfriend with him connected on the line to listen in but cannot talk. Then the man threatens him and has the main character call his wife to tell her he's been cheating on her, but the main character doesn't and the man insists he'll tell her. Then there are these women who are constantly bugging the main character for the phone booth. He dismisses them as hookers and basically to piss off. The hookers proceed by getting their pimp. He makes a big thing and the main character is yet again dismissive and angry for the intrusion and give the pimp 120 dollars to go away. The pimp is like oh yea alright and starts to change his mind and tries to get 500 out of the main character if he'd like to rent the booth out for the day. The hookers are man that money changed his mind and give him a hard time. The pimp is angered and gets a baseball bat. The main character is still on the phone with the man threatening him and the man says he can take care of the pimp if the main character wants. Not so careful about what he says, he yells, "Yes!" and the pimp is slain. The man on the phone remarks about the main character's behavior, how he was dismissive of the pizza delivery mand and pimp, how all the pimp wanted was his respect and how if he had dealt with the situations differently the present situation would be different - no dead pimp.
Another movie I was watching struck me about respect. I was watching Couples' Retreat. The main character makes a big deal about how he had a shark attack - a mild one at that with a questionable scratch/dent on his body that may have been from something else. The plan was to later go to the waterfall with his wife, but no no he is too traumatized by the shark attack that instead he must lie down.
Idk if I had a real point in mind about respect from Couples' Retreat, the thoughts fleet my mind.
Movies are good. They give me insight into other worlds and their inspiration is from real life. Also, I look into the characters' behavior and situation and look at myself, evaluate myself for those bad/good attributes and look for a way to be better.
I feel I have been disrespectful.
Perhaps in small ways to some friends, big ways to my mom.
when I was up at Boston this weekend, at some points I just had no energy and just tried to not respond to things sorta so I could kinda remain neutral and my friend was getting on my nerves a bit perhaps I'm jealous of her excitement of a new place - I actually like it sometimes 'cause it opens my eyes to the wonderful things I may have missed or I can share in it, but sometimes she asks rather silly questions and I wasn't in a good mood, but it gives me no right to be mean or to put down, there's better composure to hold and ways things can be said and such to keep our relationship a safe place where we can share anything with each other.
My mom drives me crazy. It's really unbecoming of me how I am with my mom.

I laughed to myself thinking, I know how to make things worse, don't I?

He was my first (sorta) love.

Sorta because it was love but not yet.

Some things I want to keep in mind...

Learn to trust yourself.

Respect others.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Do NOT be disrespectful.

Be kind.
You are a kind person, remember that?

Always give customers more than they expect.

Life requires us to put in more effort than we will see in the outcome, but that's life, that's how it works.

Grow. We can always grow.

Do not be afraid of success. For what is there to be afraid of to be fear greatness, why?

Open your eyes.

Why live in ignorance.

I know what I want and I'm GON get it!

Happenstance

I have been crazy. I didn't want to accept what people were telling me and had already made up my mind, and sought for some way to get what I wanted, but at the core, I knew, I knew I was playing a losing game the way I was going about it.

I never liked someone so much. I really haven't. And man I really think he's it. Once I like tricked myself to liking someone and thought about him even though there was nothing. Aaand, I was acting a bit desperate, and I didn't learn. I messed up a whole bunch of times with this guy I really like. I kept thinking there must be something I can do or say. But I knew anything I did would bear no fruit. It was all very irrational. And gosh, before what I did last I thought this is the end of it, but then I did what I did and it's like wow I really did it in to have no more chance with this guy. I just thought, he wanted to beg. But afterwards, I realized the error of my ways.

I had a hard time getting over this guy. It was hard 'cause we kept talking after we stopped seeing each other. And then me looking back to good times and thinking we were still there and him also insinuating sexual things, and that confused me, and then I was too serious at times to catch the joke. @@.

I really really must go to sleep, more later now.

Just know that now, I'm alright. I've let the feelings fade. I still remember we were happy, we had good times, and how I felt with him. But right now, I have to live.

Deeply I hope. But, who knows. May be.

I realize it's all about timing. Life is all happenstance. Happenstance.

Open

I say I am an open person, but lately I see I haven't been as open as I desire to be. I will be me again. Talk to people and be interested. I'll make it alright (again).

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." (Chuck Palahniuk)