Service Learning Hours

Gonna get my bp/service learning hours done in about 2 weeks! Yay! I need to get 62.5 hours. I am getting 3 hours for my time at South Park, and I have 34.5 hours done already.

Keep Fighting!

Mad as hatter, dry as a bone, blind as a bat from mydriasis, dry as a beet from flushing

Part of me is like I can’t wait to rollin’ in the dough! Buy expensive stuff, dresses, clothes, vacations, flights, food.

Pain evokes honesty.

It is amazing to be acknowledged.

I'm planning to come back to life next semester.

Hydraulic short jeans

Hair straightening?

Hair cut

NAPLEX materials

Drilling

Going out to eat



You know why?

'Cause I'm worth it.

I've been asocial, distracted, depressed.

I've moved so far from who I am, I'm getting closer to what I want.

I just want to move on my own frequency, fix what I need to fix. Stop "trying to keep up," and comparing. It'll all fall into place.

Although I've been super asocial. Some understand, some don't. It's okay.

I need.

I need myself to understand. It's not relevant that they understand immediately, or at all. But, I think we somewhat strive to be understood.

Gotta be on task!

Achieving/achieved the notion that I can't get my way with complete silence. There's some give and take of living here in the apartment. No need to get myself upset and out of sorts about it entirely.

#1 Gotta get out of bed.

Need to stay hydrated: drink more water.

Pandora versus Grooveshark.
Pandora > Grooveshark right now.

I've subscribed to Medical Letter.

Looking forward to the Winter break where I will review for all of pharmacy school and learn concepts I should have learned.

Gotta take the time to stay organized.

Listening to lectures again is a good way to learn the material.

I like to hear and write, and see.

Silencing the phone is great to remove distraction - unnecessary noise.

I would like a massage.

I need to get something for Elly for X-mas. I should have grabbed another pair of slippers and heated blanket for her when I was out for Black Friday. Heh, my sister was paying, though! haha! I was thinking about getting her a massage, but it costs a bunch. Last year I got her these awesome earphones that go for about 100 easy retail price.

This is ridiculous, idk why I pay for Internet!! That doesn’t work!!! Well that is the wifi. This is dumb!!

I hate that it just chooses when it wants to work.

Just breath, San.

So many things running through my mind. Just Breath.

And, I need to blog big time. This written word, it helps me vent out my stress.

Social life.

Love live.

Guy that I don’t like but is going out with my friend now. I’m just jealous for that happiness. But it's beautiful that they are in loooove.

I feel unable to be single and mingle because I don’t feel proud of myself.

This life, the way I’m living it, it’s easier to live without the social aspect/bombardment.

I know these are the same demons. I know.

I need to stop spending so much damn money!!

Looking for perfection.

Loosely speaking?

Finishing Up Service Learning Hours
The plan:

Complete 60 hours in 3 weeks by doing 20 hours a week of blood pressure.
I could do 7 hours shifts 3 times a week. = 21 hours /week = 63 hours!!

Studying and Catching Up on Pharmacy School
The plan:

I don't know yet!

Shrink wrapped the window - check
Put up a curtain - check
Got the chi flowing - check
Now I can get some work done!

1 final done.
1 exam for PPL
1 practical exam for PPL
1 final for cardio
1 cumulative final for resp
1 final for tox

Let's go!

I've gotten disgusting. I need to clean this act up. I need to lose like 20 pounds and start training for that 5k in April, and whenever the Pharmacy 5k is. I need to stop eating so much.

I need to focus. My focus needs more focus. I need to know everything. I need to be doing my best in school, not this sub-par crap.

I need to read more.

I need to get things done.

I need to keep up with my friends, also.

Chicken nuggets hit the spot.

Go Greek!

I think that people do not understand Greek until they go Greek, or for me have a glimpse into Greek.

I wish it was something I did earlier.

At the get-go I was discourage particularly to join KPL, the Asian Sorority by my siblings.

I always thought it was for people that couldn't make their own friends. But really it's just a meeting place, where people are (generally) open to getting to know you - how fabulous! Like half the work is done - finding a bunch of people to be apart of. You get to know people - get to know how wonderful they are, and you learn to get along with them - be friends, sisters, for life.

I think it's wonderful to have such a network, girlfriends, to develop a bond and sisters from across the country.

Before I was very lost and I didn't know it. I still am to an extent, but have a firmer grasp on my reality. I was really missing a support network, and also I wasn't reaching out for help. In the Greek community, brothers and sisters help each other, and they have fun!!

It's work, but what isn't?

I'll finish this blog up later.

So...

I'm converted. I AM a believer!

Go Greek!

I HATE HIM.
--------------
I will have my own genesis, my OWN renewal.

Let's have it. Let's move forward. Let's make it now. Let's make it happen now.

Let's tear it up. Begin, and continue to forge this path.

Anime

My friend M invited me to go to the BIGGEST Anime Convention on the East Coast. It is in Maryland. iDK if to go or not. It would be a lot of fun, but the anime convention I went previously, it just seems like a bunch of immature wannabe something else kids getting together in one place. But that's judging now isn't it? We were talking about GTO. I've watched all of the live action drama GTO, and I've tried to watch the anime version, but it's just so weird... the guy is WHITE - OUTRAGE. In the live action, the guy is ASIAN. The LA GTO, great success and good in my book, but then I think about all the other movies that spring from Asian-y ideas such as Dragon Ball Z and Airbender. OUTRAGE again ! The main character is WHITE, but when we are Asians watch the animes we see them as Asian. AND THEY ARE!!!!

"everyone comes from a unique experience, everyone has a story to tell"

what's the meaning of this?

so let's all get to know each other, let's be friends?

understand differences in a increasingly global society?

connect with others?

what you experience is unique and also makes you you?

"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." -Eeyore

Find yourself.

Feel the moment.

Find your breath.

Better Luck Tomorrow.

The Flip Side.

Western versus. TCM

The difference between Western and TCM: Prevention.

My colleague Danielle said that they will stress that in the TCM course I'm going to be taking in the Summer.

So I expect on the future blog that I will be writing on my Study Abroad experience, I will blog about that a bunch.

I really cross my fingers about my future apartment-mate to join me on the Study Abroad China trip! I really will have 10x more fun if she goes! I am happy that 2 of my other classmates are going on the trip and really hope my friend can partake in this awesome journey as well!!!

Today's thoughts

GI

Read: the etoh withdrawal syndrome

read: dipiro: chp 37 - patho physiology and clinical manifestations

I owe 2 karate classes!

listen to 1.5 manatou lectures

meth!

STOP MISSING CLASS

This is what Dave said to me: dude WHAT ARE YOU DOING? don't slack off

THIS IS YOUR LIFE! ! !

OKay, maybe not in CAPS but, yea.

I feel fat.

MUST STOP BEING LAZYYY!!!!!!

I hate it when people write me and they use a zillion periods, like as if I'm stupid or something??? Or they are acting really weird that I am talking to them...

An elipse and .............. is different!

When I see............. I got WTF! Can YA NOT do that?!

@@ It pissses me off when Word doesn't recognize a medical term I type!!!

And HI, can we just communicate WITH each other?!

After Holden makes the decision to stay and Phoebe forgives him, she returns his hunting hat, reciprocating his gesture of kindness. It is the only moment of reciprocal interaction that Holden experiences in the book: from Stradlater to Sally Hayes, most characters just want to take things from him or use him for a specific purpose.

true interaction, both selflessly giving and humbly taking from each other. It is the kind of intimacy Holden has been longing for and sorely missing.

Holden's own inner landscape: intimacy and interaction are what he needs and fears most.

sleep more and do more work!

Hate my computer because...

-the other day it froze and made some weird reverating sound like a vibrating tv system check, i had to do a manual shutdown

-it sounds like a rocketship

Why is it like this?

-I mistreat it

-I have this computer because I was being uber picky, but it wasn't everything I wanted still... I was impatient, but it's cause I've been operating on a desktop with 1/2gb of RAM since freshmen year til mid junior year!

I didn't clean my room for a couple weeks. I didn't sweep for a couple weeks!

I didn't wash my oatmeal bowl for a lot of days.

I finished cleaning up. SO DUSTY!

Ah still have to match my socks, I don't really see room for me to put them in the drawer, weird.

I never felt so strongly about anyone. @@

I've cried while I watched two Pixar movies. Up. And. How to train a dragon.

Some people I tell, they don't take all the facts into account. But I have to let go.

I guess I kinda don't give people much of a chance because I'm afraid what lack thereof relationship... but that's life, friends and dating, you don't know if it'll work out.

I hate how lazy I am!!

For now, Fuck everyone. I don't care anymore.

Planning to stay out of touch.

My life, just a different way of life...

Longing to be apart of something.

Longing to belong.

But also, afraid at the same time.

Afraid of what's new. I think that's where I've been awhile, subconsciously.

Like a nation,

Like a person,

know their culture

know their history

know their stories

know their language

and

you will understand them better.

Their history, their stories,

inextricable from the timeline,

it's what made them them today.

Their culture, their traditions, their values,

reflect what they hold dear in their own distinction.

Their language, their inflections,

express their spirit.

ha, my point of writing that was, the past makes you you.

“It may sound counterintuitive, but people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier... By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/17/talk-deeply-be-happy/
Talk Deeply, Be Happy? - Well Blog - NYTimes.com
well.blogs.nytimes.com
People who spend more of their day having substantive discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier, a new study found.

New word I learned today:
ba·nal   [buh-nal, -nahl, beyn-l] Show IPA
–adjective
devoid of freshness or originality; hackneyed; trite: a banal and sophomoric treatment of courage on the frontier.

How I am portrayed

"ASIANS IN THE MEDIA" Q&A WORKSHOP

"ASIANS IN THE MEDIA" Q&A WORKSHOP
(Held in same location as show)

No other performer offers this fun blend of wild entertainment and engaging education. Eliot's outrageous comedy warms up the crowd and opens them up to talking about diversity after the show. This allows people of different backgrounds to discuss cultural issues in a comfortable atmosphere.

Plus, Eliot always leaves room for silly carefree Q&A about anything the audience is brave enough to ask. There are no restrictions so the Q&A is always as entertaining as the comedy.

This one hour interactive Q&A has made Eliot a nationally recognized speaker and covers how Asians have been portrayed in TV and Film, and the media's influence on attitudes towards Asians in America.

It has been consistently ranked as one of the best diversity events in the country because (1) Eliot talks directly about the issues and offers solutions, and (2) as an entertainer, he knows how to keep the audience captivated and inspired unlike the same ole' guest speaker that lulls students to sleep. Here are just a few of the many topics (all topics will be covered):

• How the media portrays Asians in America

• Men
• Women
  

• Analysis of Asian characters from 1920-2010
• How Asian women are treated by the Media
• Why Asian hate crimes receive little attention
• How student clubs can raise involvement

• Make events FUN!
  

• How students can make a real change
• U.S. Japanese internment camps in the 1940’s
• Intra-racism: Asians hating Asians

• Instead, support each other
• Don't support these internalizing jokes
  

• The importance of language & culture

• Who will your children learn from?
  

• The "Wannabe" Syndrome: Asians denying Heritage

• Wannabe Black Asians
• Wannabe Latino Asians
• Wannabe White Asians
• The "Asian" part of your identity never changes
  

Something he said to all the women who attended, you are a double minority, your mind is your equalizer.

It's about what you don't when people aren't looking. Therein shows character.

I want to blog this out, and I think I should just blog it out now than later and just get it all out. I’ll just try to get the jist and fill in the rest later.

I forget when we had made plans to go clubbing this past Saturday, yesterday’s Saturday. Probably about a week ago we made plans. Steph/Cathy asked me if I wanted to join them and Shams to go Up or On the Rocks in Hartford on Saturday. So I guess I had said yes. And then also, I saw on Facebook that Shams had invited Elly to go, as well. And so Elly replies back that she is up for it. So I’m like hey alright guess I’m going, too.

Btw, we were supposed to go clubbing with Steph and maybe another time with Cathy and they bailed because they didn’t feel like it. I should convince them telling them they will have fun when they get there. UGH.

I had thought about backing out because I want to get my schoolwork done; that is priority. :sigh:

ALSO, on Friday, the day before, I had saw Cathy at the Student Union and asked her about clubbing to double check that we are still going. She seemed surprised that I asked to make sure we are going, weird. And she told me Jie was joining us, but was unsure of the exact status of Steph.

Just GOD, I didn’t hear from anyone at 8:30, called around 9 or something to Cathy, then to Jie ‘cause Cathy said yesterday that Jie was joining us. No word for a while. So we just went ahead and get ready. I don’t get it, how do people miss their text messages?! I just don’t get it. I don’t get this lack of communication and planning shit, more so the communication aspect. It’s just ridiculous. Like I know this is all just for fun, but ya can still let someone know, and people were waiting for other people. It’s different than the time I skipped Greg’s birthday dinner because I was really jetlagged and no one was really waiting for me, Steph and Bieu WERE going to pick me up, however they were 1 hour last anyway. It doesn’t seem like they fucking value my company anyway. I know before I just went on and on about the whole Eric thing, but also these friends weren’t giving me much help, however also my mind was a little set on certain things. And I don’t always exude happiness, sometimes I am just so energy depleted. And I realize I gotta identify what I want, and aggressively get it – that’s kinda the plan of the night at Foxwoods was, also. Let me go on…

We get gorgeous and sexy! I wore my white one shoulder tank from Express. Elly did my make-up, it turned out great like before! Took a couple pictures. Then we drove out to get monies from ATMs. While Elly went to her bank, I called Cathy again and got a response this time. I had found out at 11pm that Steph had work to do, Cathy got an infection, Jie could still go out, Cathy had told Jie to call other people and Shams really wanted to go out and offered to give me Shams’ number, but it was already 11pm... I didn’t say yes or no just was eh. I think this lack of communication could come from Cathy’s apathy towards AASA, though that can be overanalyzing the situation. Or let’s just say sometimes people get wrapped up in their own shit. She also did fall asleep. I told her understandable, you couldn’t help getting an infection and so you don’t want us to get sick and I don’t want to get sick. I also told her our options and told her that some Asian pdpsi boys hollered at us – which she didn’t understand and I had to explain, no big to me. Just when I don’t understand or know some things, people will be all condescending. Anyway she said have fun. And so I was like daym I don’t care what we do. But I was getting excited about Foxwoods earlier because those pdpsi boys mentioned going to Foxwoods, I was like hmmm what a novel idea. I hoped they would call. I texted Clinton to find out what the pdpsi boys are doing but they were kickin it at the pi house. And I wouldn’t want to go show up there, it would all be frat and sorority people and I would be really, really out of place. Pi house – no. I didn’t really like Up at all that much, it was mostly girls, the guys just stood around there watching not dancing and talking about how they wanted the really hot girl that didn’t want to dance with them, plus they are all either Latino, white or black, no Asians. I guess you can say that’s what I’m currently into if you wanna pigeonhole me like that, go ahead. Up – no. But I kinda left it up to Elly ‘cause I was really like not care mood because I was frustrated. So we went! Yay! Tried to call Dupree along the way, but no pick up. Then I called up Ricky see if he would come out, but it takes 1.5 hours for him to get there and then he would have to pay 20 dollar cover for like 45 minutes of fun. He was actually gonna come I guess thinking we were gonna stay awhile and gamble. Then I told him no it’s a waste of time, as he had said before, weirdo. Geez. I think he likes me idk though, though Bieu had mentioned to me about the time Ricky called me up to hopefully meet up I told him I couldn’t, already ate lunch or whatever and Bieu was nudging me like hey heard you blew off Ricky or something like that I’m like what are you talking about… but I’m not interested in anything other than a friend.

We parked, finished off what rum we had – mission accomplished with that, got into the Casino, did the bathroom thing, found Shrine, but then I forgot my phone in the car so we went back to the car and also turned off my ipod.

THEN we went to Shrine, finally. The line got shorter, yay! And then they checked out IDs. The guy did a lot of looking back and forth, and then when he checked Elly’s ID, we had to wait, I guess the guy was unsure that her picture looked like her so he got another guy to look. We walk in and are ushered to the cash register. The girl tells me 20 dollars. But then I guess one of the bouncer guys said something and then the girl was like go ahead. Me and Elly are like, whaaat? Ha haaaa, we didn’t have to pay!!! We saved 20 dollars!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS! The place was mad crowded. The dance floor is small. So crowded!! We walked around to check it out, so crowded! There was this Asian guy just standing around on the dance floor. I kept kinda following him and looking at him. He would occasionally be grooving to the music and not dance with anyone and he didn’t seem to have any friends around him at all and he’d go different areas a lot.

And we found some space to dance and were like yea! And then this Indian girl joins us basically like YEA GIRL You goo and can I get in on this. She was real friendly. I wonder where she was from. It looked like her parents or somebody were standing behind her against the wall ‘cause they were some older folk. Maybe they were all about of the bachelorette thing going on, I think I saw 2 girls with bride-to-be sashes, when I saw them I read it and then smiled at them. That Indian girl was cool, kept us going hehe.

So before we left the car, I said we are gonna figure out what we want, do what we gotta do to get it and get it! See what you like and get it! I finally went to the guy. I had to go out of my way through some people, actually I think I had Elly move, yea that’s right. Then I asked him if he was having a good time and asked him to dance and we exchanged names. He wasn’t a bad dancer and grinder, he was fun! He would break out groovin’ a lil that was fun I liked that and other times we danced face to face he would looking at my body I guess. We were a lil touchy feely but it wasn’t too much. It was fun.

He followed us, we were going to our car but well took a detour because we didn’t know where the hell we were going. We got to the car, we hugged, he said I think it was kit me up when you come here? Idk, but I was like come pick me up. He put me in his phone as Foxwoods, I don’t even know if he remembers my name. Then we kissed/mini-made out. He is a good kisser. He said something after, but I didn’t catch it.

It was nice holding him and hugging him.



I still think Eric is the match for me, @@.

I’d also like to say that I had mentioned to Steph to go to this Asian comedian workshop on Saturday at noon. She’s all like yea, one of use will call each other or run to each others’ room. I guess that’s what I should have done, go to see if she was in Bieu’s room. And I could have called Greg and see what the status on Cathy and clubbing was. !! So annoying though.

I take anyone’s word. No one seems to honor their word.

Watch more news
Health News
Asian History
House

Eliot Chang

I wrote to Eliot Chang on his website. Here's what I wrote:

Dear Eliot,
Thank you for coming out yesterday sharing your jokes and sound advice and food for thought in advocating for Asians-Americans. It was an unfortunate turnout of the public. Though I am not affiliated with either Asian Fraternity or Sorority nor APIA on campus and unfortunately feel much like an outsider to that circle, I almost didn't show up, I'm glad I came out, I enjoyed it very much. I came out because 1. the comedy was good 2. I wanted to hear what you had to say. Thank you for coming and giving validation and reaffirmation with the boldness and conviction of your words. It is admiring and hopeful to see someone with good articulation/public speaking.

Sandy
P.S. You're much more handsome in person!
Oh and you forgot to mention Dat Phan and Amy Anderson... though then again when I saw Amy Anderson it was all crap I heard already about making fun of Asians... Hmmmm.

Anyways, thank you again for all you do, and, good luck and have fun, Eliot!

I should find ways to make people talk more about themselves, they love to talk about themselves.

I almost feel that people only want positive happy stuff. True everyone wants that.

I went to the Pi Delta Psi boys' Convention 8 open workshops. I liked it a lot.

I went to Shrine at MGM last night with Elly. It was fun.

D
Vietnamese, Air Force Reserve, not bad dancer, seems to be fed up with stupid drunk ass people which same here man, good kisser, he put my number down as "Foxwoods."

Flake

reminder spot to write about flaky people and flaky friends. Frosted flakes!

Armed Forces

I think I'd like to join the Armed Forces. I have to look into it though. :)

Good-bye and Black Spirit

I went to meet up my friend L at the Union for dinner. I waited around and then her phone backpack dialed me, I heard nothing but rustles and had tried calling her back to see if she’d hear it and at last pick up, but no… I had waited for her then decided I’d go ahead and grab myself a bowl of Italian Wedding Soup, yum! I waited by the fountain drinks before paying for wait for her. The first thing she did was exclaim about how fat she’s gotten! I was like oh alright, in front of all these people, haha whatever, gosh and then she said she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to get anything, :shrugs: I hope she’s alright. It was really nice to see her and meet up. She really goes on a tangent or sometimes not on a tangent but goes on and on and on about stuff and totally ignores what I’m saying. I told her I am going to China, she got excited I wasn't like off the wall excited, and then she told me she got her rotations. I was trying to go back to my room for a while, but she kept talking to me. She just kept going on and on. Like, she didn’t even acknowledge the fact I wanted to get going, I found it weird. She is a weird one, we are all weirdo, hahah. I was interested truly in everything she was saying, it’s just I wanted to get going to do my work.

I see that maybe I’m not that pretty or smart or cool. But that is to certain people. I can be to myself if I accept it. But if I say to myself I’m ugly, I’m like, I’m ugly, I can’t help it, so… I’m more apt to not worry about it and just express myself and be myself.

My friend L is totally herself. I like that about her. She doesn’t care for how people react. She’s got that “black spirit” – this is who I am, I might smell, I might be fat and wear things aren’t attractive, but I’m beautiful on the inside.

Honesty

Someone told me to not be honest to him, but that I need to be honest with myself.

This I am.

And challenging myself.

Forgot my phone & other thoughts

Today was good.
I ate breakfast, went to class ontime, BUT! I forgot my phone. I was thinking I would call someone and see if they could meet up for dinner, but... I forgot my phone, so oh well I kinda got what I wanted, to go to the U and grab a slice of pizza like I did yesterday and sit by myself in the dark eating.

I forgot my phone today and I have been meaning to call this person to find out about the room availability she had posted. I need a place to live next year!

I really, really have to gear up on this W class paper. I want to go to some events this weekend. There's the DDR Conference, I'd like to attend a couple of the workshops, also I'd like to go to the first workshop open to the public by the Pi Delta Psi guys on Saturday. On Friday, I want to go to some of the DDR events and go to Karate class to make up a class as well as to brush up on some techniques especially those that I haven't learned. I hear my friend is going to a party, idk if she's gonna invite me to go, but I should stay in a get this darn paper done! And then if I want to go the DDR Conference on Saturday, I ought to sleep at a reasonable hour to get up for the conference in the morning, go to the morning conference, grab lunch, sneak off to the Pi Delta Psi Conference that's in the ballroom, then back to the conference???

Here is the description of the Convention 8 workshop I want to go to:
Featured Guest Speaker:
12:00pm - 2:00pm
Asian-American Comedian
Eliot Chang
www.eliotchang.com
------------------------------------------------------
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVFDDTJnDV4
Warning: This Comedy Skit is meant for (17+) Mature Audiences Only

Bio: Eliot Chang is prominent Asian-American Comedian that uses "sharp biting opinions combined with his trademark polished wardrobe has made his live stage appearances one of the most memorable acts in the industry." He will be performing honest and unapologetic comedy based off ethnic stereotypes that will leave a strong impression.

Workshop: Eliot's Workshop will consist of a Comedy skit followed by a Diversity Keynote Address that will be based off the many current Asian-American issues including but not limited to: Media portrayal of Asian Americans, Analysis of Asian Characters 1920-2010, Importance of language and culture, and How students can make a real change.
-----------------------------------

And then Saturday night, my friends want to go out to Up or On the Rocks in Hartford. Boy oh boy. Michelle is up for it, so... that kinda means I should go to, besides it's a hella good time dancin' when Michelle there with me, she's my long time good clubbin' AND dancin' buddy.

Technology continues to fail me. Still, my speakers don't work. @@ I guess that's good anyway. I've been bringing my laptop to the library now. I just want to listen to one song though, dang, as a study break, ya knoooo!

There are all sorts of influences we have on ours lives. It's a matter of sorting them out, bad, good, in between, or maybe they are all land good or bad and it's okay to let the bad influence you, too because we are a balance right - yin and yang, light and dark. We are not all good or all evil.

Alright enough words for today. I'm going to listen to the Endocrine lecture that I was falling asleep during. It turned out to be a nice day out today. Very warm. People say it is tennis weather and my friend next to me was making plans with a couple people in my class to go play tennis. I looked on in that planning kinda surprised this other girl was going with her... idk she looks means sometimes... I'm being stupid, judgmental.

Oh, another thing man I'm like Holden Caulfield, I am judgemental, not all the time, but it's when I don't interact with people. I totally over analyze and judge the situation and people anwering the what if's and questions I might ask of them for them in my head. Silly silly. Quite silly. I still have to go read the rest of The Catcher and the Rye SparkNotes. (I read the book and then I was like I don't get it... but that was because I expected that I would learn something from it, but I had read it purely for entertainment rather than understanding which is what I really sought.)

My friend moved to sit somewhere else like a couple days ago. May be she doesn't like the guy the sits next to her. I don't really like him. He always says things under his breath, like the answer - he should just say it out loud for everyone to hear, it'd help the class move along. He also laughs kinda a lot when I don't think he should or appropriate, but sometimes people laugh when they don't know what to do... but don't think it's his case any how, but that is something I have done a lot before with pole vaulting, so silly, and I probably do nowadays also, but dunno when.

Oh another thing, I want to change everybody. I want to control everybody. But I can't. I can only control myself. And I don't think they are good enough. But people have their own merits. They all have some wisdom to offer, I should discount them. I feel other people discount me and minimize me, and so then I do the same as a convuluted way to get back, and I've done the same like when people give me a condescending attitude (hmm actually this is pretty much the same) - now that is childish. Time to stop the bad karma. Take it, move on.

Ah, alright I said I was gonna get to doing my work. I am now. The room/earth feels like it was shifting back while I was typing, must be because of my rocket ship laptop taking off!

Skeletons In The Closet

I learned an idiom today:

Skeletons In The Closet ( secrets from your past which you try not to show to other people ... )

"Skeletons in the closet" are things about your past which you would prefer not to tell to other people. Example: "He's a very popular senator but he will never be elected president; he has too many skeletons in the closet." Years after a person has died, only the skeleton remains, and a skeleton of bones can be a frightening thing to look at. "Skeletons in the closet" are embarrassing things which we would like to put away so other people cannot see them. Example: "I don't want anything to do with that guy; he has too many skeletons in the closet." Example: "I had only known her for one week. How could I know what skeletons she had in her closet?"

Estaba preocupada

GOSH, I felt some bummed out and not alive, super apathetic and unexcited about things I normally get enthusiatic about. (I was getting really worried about myself.)

Now, I feel alive and free, like I'm allowed to be happy.

I called my Mom tonight after Karate class and asked how she was, I should call my mom more often. Mom's always wanted to be apart of my education. She joined the PTA/O back in middle school 'cause she wanted to support my education, though I'm sure she never went to any sort of meeting they had, think it'd be a bit beyond her comprehension whatever they do there.

I talked to my mom calmly starting with, "So Mom, there's a study abroad opportunity in China..." and reason and telling other things that are going on such as housing issues.

She was thinking "don't you have to work?"
I don't HAVE TO, though my bosses have been bending the rules for me and I owe them a lot, literally.

:sigh: That decision was wavering over my head and weighing me down. That's a load off.

Precious

I am inspired by the movie Precious PUSH by Sapphire, hahahahhaha, to write everyday, 'cause she does it so I can do it, too.

Fakin' It

I think I've decided to just smile and laugh at what people say. Some people say fake it til you feel it. I don't like being fake. I'm just not feelin' it lately. That's the feeling of the moment. I think it's attributed to lack of social interaction and stimulation. I fear that the interaction will turn out bad. I think these are rather strange thoughts and thinking of mine. With hope and effort, let it just be a bridge back home.

Before, I used to talk to myself. There would be Sandy and San San. Sandy being my mind, my superego, and San San being the one in the world. Sandy said today, "It's been years since you've listened to me."

I promise, if and when I go to China, I'll write everyday, something, anything.

I happened to see a friend today. I was sitting down reading the paper outside the library when she approached me. She had said, "You know you're a nerd when you study in your free time." I guess. Whatever. Perhaps I should have given more merit to her point. But I well... that is what I like to do - learn. I'm trying to be better. I have some interests, things that sound/seem cool to me. But I like tip toe around it and I need to stop it and confront and elucidate it all.

I've been rather anti-social feeling.

It's good to get these feelings out. It's kinda better to blog than idk tell people, well in the point that then you don't need to share with tons of people over and over again individually. Well, ya get my point, but then again conversation is very. It's like that lil cartoon, this this happened to me and the other character says, ya... I know... facebook.

Anywho, it's time to get to work. I'm going to update my GI notes, then if i have my manatou gi notes, look that over, look at zanfel, then do endocrine! and any other time left over is for meth and anatomy.

plans this weekend:
friday: social justice conference, karate, styles of asia? study
saturday: social justice conference, convention 8 - go to the first one, and up or on the rocks with steph, cathy and shams ??? or not go and just study!!
sunday: prepare for derm class, review notes, study for PE and law, study endocrine, meth

I guess what bothers me today the conversation I had with my friend. She asked what I was doing/gonna do. I kinda acted like everything else was done? Or that was her impression so I went with that? Stupid right? Yea. Just we are constantly working on something, studying and trying to remember things, just keep fightin' the humongo tide of work that's thrown our way is how I see it.

For some daym reason I thought what people do is just piss off all day, so I was kinda lot in the reality of what work I had to do. I just always see certain people always relaxing, watching a movie.

I haven't been being real with myself about the reality of where I am. Also, I don't give guys a chance. I don't give people a chance for some time. I'm being like the kid in Catcher in the Rye.

Notepad

I was writing my W paper last week. Sooooo...lemme tell ya, this is what I dooo. I write big paragraphs in notepad, then I plop them into Word. I was writing all about how meth works, all the dopamine releasing outta the vesicles and destroying the mitochondria - ah! it was, it was it was exciting. And THEN, my computer f R o Z e ! And well Notepad don't got AutoSave.

Research / EBP / Literature

People ask me if I want to go research. I give them a quick no. I actually did want to do research on Chemistry before, but then I felt I was too busy with academics. I am interested. People say it is boring. I'm sure it can be. So what. Though what your idea of research you have in your head can vary. I am thinking about doing research again. Now that I've learned some about the roads I can take from Pharmacy, that's why. I'm thinking about pharmacoeconomics, research articles and literature. I really want to be able to understand medical literature. I believe it is key. I think that every pharmacist should be able to interpret a study, evaluate how good a study is and give sound advice thereafter. And this leads me to evidence based practice. It's what's hot. :) EBP is what drives and shapes practice decisions. I'm going to be taking a course on it next Fall. I would also like to take at least another statistics course as well. I want to review statistics over the summer with that book I have at home. I think it's really important. My professors tried to teach us a bit about some stats, but totally failed. I knew what they were talking about 'cause I took Intro to Stats course before Pharmacy School. And so, I'd like to refresh my stats knowledge. One of the questions in the Journal Club is, is there enough information to figure out if the tests were conducted properly? And... I don't know like the first damn thing 'bout that shit, like I don't know what factors I NEED.

I want to be able to...
know the ins and outs of literature
and
understand the statistics mumbo jumbo in the literature

I visited my professor at his practice down at the VA in West Haven, CT with 4 other students. He never thought he would be conducting research. People wanted the West Haven site to start this group diabetes study and he said, "Great!" 'cause the other faculty member he worked with specialized in Diabetes! So YEAA all on board. But then, Dr. Lee left. And then, Dr. Jeffrey was stuck being the PI (principal investigator).

~SPC

Respect

Respect
It's something I haven't been giving others. My mom, my good friend, other friends, general people.
I turned on the tube today I guess just kinda to fill the air. There was a movie on called Phone Booth. From what I gathered, the main character was this agent getting gigs for rap artists, etc. He was conducting his business out of a phone booth, particularly to contact women other than his wife, well actually probably his wife, too. I don't know what happened to his phone. But anyway, he is delivered a pizza at the phone booth that he didn't order. He receives the pizza delivery man as intrusive and is dismissive of him, tells the man he looks like he could use a meal to keep it and throws him 5 bucks. And then he gets a call from a guy that threatens to kill him, calls up his girlfriend with him connected on the line to listen in but cannot talk. Then the man threatens him and has the main character call his wife to tell her he's been cheating on her, but the main character doesn't and the man insists he'll tell her. Then there are these women who are constantly bugging the main character for the phone booth. He dismisses them as hookers and basically to piss off. The hookers proceed by getting their pimp. He makes a big thing and the main character is yet again dismissive and angry for the intrusion and give the pimp 120 dollars to go away. The pimp is like oh yea alright and starts to change his mind and tries to get 500 out of the main character if he'd like to rent the booth out for the day. The hookers are man that money changed his mind and give him a hard time. The pimp is angered and gets a baseball bat. The main character is still on the phone with the man threatening him and the man says he can take care of the pimp if the main character wants. Not so careful about what he says, he yells, "Yes!" and the pimp is slain. The man on the phone remarks about the main character's behavior, how he was dismissive of the pizza delivery mand and pimp, how all the pimp wanted was his respect and how if he had dealt with the situations differently the present situation would be different - no dead pimp.
Another movie I was watching struck me about respect. I was watching Couples' Retreat. The main character makes a big deal about how he had a shark attack - a mild one at that with a questionable scratch/dent on his body that may have been from something else. The plan was to later go to the waterfall with his wife, but no no he is too traumatized by the shark attack that instead he must lie down.
Idk if I had a real point in mind about respect from Couples' Retreat, the thoughts fleet my mind.
Movies are good. They give me insight into other worlds and their inspiration is from real life. Also, I look into the characters' behavior and situation and look at myself, evaluate myself for those bad/good attributes and look for a way to be better.
I feel I have been disrespectful.
Perhaps in small ways to some friends, big ways to my mom.
when I was up at Boston this weekend, at some points I just had no energy and just tried to not respond to things sorta so I could kinda remain neutral and my friend was getting on my nerves a bit perhaps I'm jealous of her excitement of a new place - I actually like it sometimes 'cause it opens my eyes to the wonderful things I may have missed or I can share in it, but sometimes she asks rather silly questions and I wasn't in a good mood, but it gives me no right to be mean or to put down, there's better composure to hold and ways things can be said and such to keep our relationship a safe place where we can share anything with each other.
My mom drives me crazy. It's really unbecoming of me how I am with my mom.

I laughed to myself thinking, I know how to make things worse, don't I?

He was my first (sorta) love.

Sorta because it was love but not yet.

Some things I want to keep in mind...

Learn to trust yourself.

Respect others.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Do NOT be disrespectful.

Be kind.
You are a kind person, remember that?

Always give customers more than they expect.

Life requires us to put in more effort than we will see in the outcome, but that's life, that's how it works.

Grow. We can always grow.

Do not be afraid of success. For what is there to be afraid of to be fear greatness, why?

Open your eyes.

Why live in ignorance.

I know what I want and I'm GON get it!

Happenstance

I have been crazy. I didn't want to accept what people were telling me and had already made up my mind, and sought for some way to get what I wanted, but at the core, I knew, I knew I was playing a losing game the way I was going about it.

I never liked someone so much. I really haven't. And man I really think he's it. Once I like tricked myself to liking someone and thought about him even though there was nothing. Aaand, I was acting a bit desperate, and I didn't learn. I messed up a whole bunch of times with this guy I really like. I kept thinking there must be something I can do or say. But I knew anything I did would bear no fruit. It was all very irrational. And gosh, before what I did last I thought this is the end of it, but then I did what I did and it's like wow I really did it in to have no more chance with this guy. I just thought, he wanted to beg. But afterwards, I realized the error of my ways.

I had a hard time getting over this guy. It was hard 'cause we kept talking after we stopped seeing each other. And then me looking back to good times and thinking we were still there and him also insinuating sexual things, and that confused me, and then I was too serious at times to catch the joke. @@.

I really really must go to sleep, more later now.

Just know that now, I'm alright. I've let the feelings fade. I still remember we were happy, we had good times, and how I felt with him. But right now, I have to live.

Deeply I hope. But, who knows. May be.

I realize it's all about timing. Life is all happenstance. Happenstance.

Open

I say I am an open person, but lately I see I haven't been as open as I desire to be. I will be me again. Talk to people and be interested. I'll make it alright (again).

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." (Chuck Palahniuk)

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
- Hermann Hesse

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Dr Seuss

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it."
- Catherine, Wuthering Heights

"my milkshake bringeth all yon gentlefolk to mine yard, and lo they reply, ''tis better than thine!' Verily, 'tis better than thine! I could apprentice thee, but I wouldst levy a fee."
- Saw it on a youtube video comment

"How frightened hypocrisy hastens to defend itself."
- Les Miserables, Victor Hugo

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
- Aristotle

I know this is really mean. Okay some aspect of this is mean.
We all want to have beautiful friends. We want to mingle among beautiful people. My friend said let's go to South, that's where all the beautiful people are, okay well that's what he basically said. A fellow student worker of mine she's a white girl with long hair and there's something about her face, everything nose (I think) up are normal, but her mouth is weird, it's droopy, looks like she has a small cleft deformity and overall gives her this lazy look about her. I don't know her well at all. I am being superficial. You think about it, looks are the resume in the social sphere, and also, you think about it, people that looks normal chances are they are normal. Thinking about it from a genetics perspective, their phenotype commonly reflects their genotype. I say in general terms, however. If you took look at a picture of my eldest uncle's cousins, you would think there's something not right about them. Psst, and that's 'cause there is.

Don't be so quick to judge; if you're too slow to understand.

Fate is building a bridge of chance for someone you love.

- Old Man

BE AGGRESSIVE!

BE AGGRESSIVE!

Must be more aggressive!

Be aggressive to get what I want whether it is selfish or for someone else - in any event it serves my interests.

BDay 22

I celebrated my birthday with 16 friends at Chang's Garden eating family-style - the only way to eat Chinese food, in my opinion. We had lots of food - people enjoyed it, I thought it was alright. I had my FIRST Sake Bomb - I don't even like sake, haha. And Ken got me this wonderful bottle of Moscato. AND my twin sent me this HUGE red wine glass (with Sandy etched on one side and Happy Birthday! on the other side) via post to go with my Moscato. (I really shoulda got that bottle of Moscato I had in Oz, but it's okay Ken got me one.) I shared it with everybody, but I probably drank most of it. We polished off the bottle. :D THEN, we all had tequila, and I had Bacardi, too. THEN, HAHAH we went to a school dance, hahhhhh - I told Day Day and he was like FAIL. Pshhh whatever, foo'. It was FUN.

Anyway so Elly later told me about something that bothered her. My friends I was with were mostly couples, ok all couples except Ken and Elly, of the friends that went to the dance that is. So my friend said: "Idk how u do it Sandy. I turn one way there's a couple, turn to another side there's another couple, ANDDD ANOTHER." I'm just like :shrugs::. I told one of my friends she said: "You're strong." I don't, I don't think about it. I don't let it bother me. 'Cause really, it's not a bother. It's something that had occurred to me this year and last year when another friend said the same thing to me.

With what friends remained and new ones (7), we took over the lounge and played Taboo! We did boys versus girls. I already knewwww MY TEAM was gonna win, NO contest, I had it in the bag. The guys were banking 5 a piece or less, lamme. When it came to my turn, I was on fire with TEN --> TEN(G) hahah. I love that game. Some of my clues were like, "Sometimes we partyyy and sometimes wee....." Elly's like lookin' down minding her own business, straight chilin' she's like, "relax." Me: "YEA!" People are like what!? Yup yea, relax!!! ahhaha.

You wouldn't guess what me and Elly did the next day! hahaha. We went to a book sale at Mansfield Library. We get there and Elly's like, "I'M SO EXCITED WE'RE HERE!" I'm like... OMG >.<>really nerdy of us, and that's not the end. We bought more than 20 books and a couple DVDs together FOR only 12 bucks!!!! We did gOOd.

Soooo why the sudden desire to buy books?

I visited my pharmacy friend and she had like a library of books in her room. I'm like how do you have time to read?! Well, I'm sure I can fit in reading some books, afterall I'm doing a bunch of other things now - studying a lot, karate, 5K training, a lot of reading, keeping in touch with people, getting enough sleep, reviewing all my old coursework and just various things I want to do. But really, since this past summer I really, really wanted to do some reading. There's SOOO many books I haven't read that I just feel I should and I'm just missing out. I blame myself 'cause I stopped taking Honors English in high school because, well, I didn't want to do summer reading, and I always had this paralyzing feeling and avoidance when I had to read literature because I didn't always get it and one of my English teachers told us she was going to make us write an essay every week, which actually didn't happen. I had thought that because teachers assigned me to read books it took out all the fun of reading - well, it's not really true. I did enjoy the several Vonnegut books we read. I want to read them again. Anyway, I recently finished reading The Catcher and the Rye. I liked it though didn't like it because I disagreed with Holden a lot.

Anyway, I had a birthday on Monday. I started it by getting up early and taking in the sunrise and doing schoolwork. Then the normal, classes, but with some BDday phones calls in the morning and at lunch with D - dude still doesn't mind the time zone.

I danced un poquito de salsa y merengue tonight with some Colombian guys. (They were also amazed by my Spanish, I was like yo por supuesto se habla español!) That was fun, though I don't think they know many turn combinations. The amount of fun you can have is partially limited, no... basically limited to the ability of the guy. That's why I want to learn to be a guy, start poppin' out chicken wings and such. But, I can't wait to go dancing in Boston! And I definitely gotta hit up Brick/Ray and B for a salsa night again this summer or maybe even Spring Break, maaaaybe.

Quotes

"I have always believed that there were three stages of enjoying life: looking forward to something; experiencing it; and then having the memory of it"
-Edward M. Kennedy, True Compass

"Legend has it that in the ancient world, a poetry contest was held each year. The third-place winner received a rose made out of silver. The second-place winner received a rose made out of gold. But the first-place winner received a real rose, a beautiful living rose that soon wilted, dried up, and died. I ask you, is there a single one among us who would not choose the living rose?"
-Edward M. Kennedy, True Compass
(A play on Tennyson's romantic notion: "Tis better to have loved and lost", excluding Tennyson's true 'player' status.)


What are you waiting for?
for the candle to burn out
for the evanescence to obtain permanence
for the sky to teach me infinity
for the grass to teach me humility
for the strength to accept its weakness
for the weakness to recognize its strength
for the chaos to realize its order
for the control to welcome its collapse

Watch your thoughts, they become words
Watch your words, they become actions
Watch your actions, they become habits
Watch your habits, they become character,
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.

Why limit oneself when the whole world is there waiting to be experienced? bliss*

Hope, Believe, Tenacity

There can be no life without change. To be afraid of what is different is to be afraid of life.

Success requires enough optimism to provide hope and enough pessimism to prevent complacency.

Dream as if you'll forever, live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness - mother teresa

learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Live as though heaven is on earth.

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you; -e.e. cummings

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping stars apart
-e.e. cumming

To Love Someone is
Something, but to be
loved by the one you love
is everything
-S.D. Stavropoulos

"Give to the World the best you have and the best will come back to you!"

Try to be fearless, because fear can inhibit you and keep you from a life.

I came, I saw, I did, but most importantly I did it all better than the rest.

Do not be concerned if the next person is not doing his or her best.

Instead, focus on how you yourself are doing.

Do not wait till you find

the perfect place to

be calm and content.

Where you are

is already perfect.

"Success is a choice

Success won't happen unless you choose to make it happen. Success is not a lucky break. It is not a divine right. It is not an accident of birth. Success is a choice. If you want to succeed, then succeed. Deserve it. How? Outwork everybody in sight. Sweat the small stuff. Sweat the big stuff. Go the extra mile. Put your heart and soul into everything you do."--rick pitino

You have God, I have...

Admittedly I have been constantly passively trying to find resolve and recently just spiraled down and it forced me to have to find resolve in myself, in action, to keep climbing the mountain and reclaim myself. And I've been thinking about this awhile, some people have God to go to and be like oh yea God I have these problems and you're gonna see me through it yada yada. Wow sorry so cynical sounding, sorry. Some people have God - religion, a church, a book - God. They have God to keep them going through their days. What about the rest of us, us nonbelivers - what do we have?

One way to answer this is - we have ourselves. We have ourself to prove to us - we have action. Coincidentally someone else wrote about this I'm really not copying. Last year, my former "co-worker" friend gave me some great words on independence that sum up to action. Afterall, they say life's about the journey.

I have my 5K training, my karate, my studies, these are my commitments. I have myself. I've had a lot of disappointments with people. I'm the star I can count on. 'Cause then, the only disappointments I can control are my own. :)

Love yourself, first step

They say learning
to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take
when you want to be real
Flying on planes
to exotic locations
Won't teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be